Always had a problem juggling friends and school work… Now I have a serious problem juggling friends and friends.

I meet great people here and there, but it’s hard for me to stay in touch with them.  If I don’t see you often, then I forget about you often.  I can’t really help it.. I’m more of a “Here NOT there” type of person.  All that matters is what’s around me at that particular moment and what will happen with those around me at the particular moment.  I never thought of friends as temporary, but I never thought of them as completely permanent either.  I want our friendship to last, but from past experience I know the chances are.. it won’t.  We’ll remain as people we know, but never that same friendship we had before.  On rare occasions I meet with old friends and our friendship is renewed, but that’s usually only because we were forced to hang out or see each other often again.  

My friends from last semester are being bitchy and annoying about me not being able to hang out with them.  I can’t help it.  I’m busy and I like to meet new people.  I still visit them when I DO find the time, but they’re so routine.  Never go out, just stay in the room.  Smoke, Drink, Chill till 2AM.  ALWAYS the same thing.  I need something new now and then.  I like to learn.  I like breathing new air.  But I felt like I was being suffocated.  Whichever way I go I feel like it’s a bad decision.  

When I ask for your support, you say you’ll always be there.  Then when it’s time to show that support, you turn your face. I really don’t know if it’s ME or if it’s THEM or at least one of them.  I’ve been trying to change myself, slowly… I wanted to become more mature, patient, understanding and a better friend.  Maybe my concept of friendship was completely off.  But that doesn’t change the fact that I feel as though I’m always alone when it comes down to the hard things.

I’m trying… I really am.  I want to stay close with everyone, but it’s hard for me to go beyond the “trust you with secret crushes” relationship, because beyond that… it’s all dark and I’m not sure who can handle those secrets and still remain who they are, with who I am.  

Decided I needed a new source of venting, rather than beating on my poor roommate all the time.  Especially this time.. cause the problem hits “home”.  So here’s my venting on my own tumblr, Kind of funny because  a few months back I was explaining to everyone that I would become Tumblr Famous… Tough luck.  

I thought we were close friends, close enough to accept each others differences and faults.  But I guess not.  The strongest bond we held was also the weakest - Trust.  I trusted you with my secrets, the ones that I tell to those who I think can handle it and not stray too far from me.  That’s why I have these secrets. And that’s why they’re so secret.  Because it’s those that get away with those secrets of mine that scar me and forever embellish my face as shameful and wrong.  

I needed you to be like a treasure chest.  I give my entire heart to you, and you lock it away till I beg for it back.  You can’t open yourself to anyone else-but me.  Yet you did.  You spread my “disease” to a complete stranger.  Someone who doesn’t need to know, but you felt needed to know.  Why? Is there something THAT wrong with me that you needed to “warn” a complete stranger about me?  

Now that I ponder about it.. I realized it wasn’t me.  It was you.  You were the one at fault.  All the times we had conversations, they were never about us.  They were always about “that girl” and how she had religious issues,  it was always about “that boy” that was unfortunate when it came to looks.  It. Was. Never. About. Us.  Shows how great of a friend I was to JUST notice this now.  And shows how great of a friend I am going to be by calling you out on it.  I want to trust you, but never again.  I know that I can’t - it’s just natural for me.  

Once you hurt me, Twice I flinch.  

From this day forth, we can never go back.  It’s just the way it is, will you call me out on it? probably.  Will you bitch about that too? Probably.  

And yeah… I am being hypocritical by talking shit about you to complete strangers, but guess what? Karma’s a bitch and I’m willing to be one if I want to help you— as a friend.

Once a stranger, Then a friend, Now a traitor.